We’ve all heard of the self-help industry, and who doesn’t want to improve themselves? I know I am constantly. Good as we feel, good as we think we are, there is always this little inkling that says, I could have done that better, or if I had done this that way, maybe it would have been faster. We set goals for ourselves that we never achieve. We know we want to lose 20 pounds, or we want to achieve that dream. We are continually trying to improve ourselves. So we create a plan.

We all know that many ideas behind a self-improvement plan - focus on goals. If we create goals and take action, we improve ourselves, right? Not necessarily. What if our action takes us away from our goals, or we find endless reasons to do something that moves us little by little towards our ultimate goals, but we are subconsciously really just using it as a delay tactic. We derail ourselves by coming up with this thing or that thing that helps a smidge, but in the bigger picture really keeps us stagnate. We self-sabotage. Our fear takes over, and we come up with reasons to delay the truly actionable items that will bring us right to the edge of our goal. That’s the monster on our shoulder that wants to keep us in our comfort zone instead of pushing our boundaries.

Who am I, and how can I speak about self-sabotage? I’m the queen of it. I have wanted to have my own business for over 20 years. I have jumped from this thing to that, done a lot of learning in those years, and spent a lot of money. Money that would have taken me on a nice month-long vacation overseas, probably 2 months long, if I found just the right thing, actually got started, and made something of myself. What happened? I couldn’t diagnose my fears, and as a result, I couldn’t overcome them. I am closer than ever to my business dream, but that monster on my shoulder keeps popping up and telling me I need to learn more before I can start reaching out to potential clients. When I tell it no, it pulls out another card. The you’re not good enough card. This is something that I struggle with in many areas of life, and it keeps me firmly planted in my comfort zone.

I have recently discovered more specifically what fears keep me from obtaining many of my goals. There are many, or maybe it’s one big one disguising itself in whatever way necessary. Either way, it’s keeping me from my dreams. How do you push past it, though? How do you vanquish the monster? Can you even vanquish it?

I don’t think fear can actually be conquered, but I think it can be tamed. Fear is not a simple monster. It’s very complex and will use different tactics to keep us from pushing our boundaries. We may think we’ve conquered fear in one area, but sure enough, it will rear its ugly head another way. Fear can tie to our belief system. Fear can win over and be paralyzing when we struggle with feeling like we are good enough (like I do). We let fear win, and we self-sabotage to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

We self-sabotage because it’s easier to stay as we are rather than finding ways to overcome what we’re afraid of. Often we don’t even realize that we are doing it. Fear keeps our belief system limited, and there is a constant tug-of-war between the person we are and the person we can see ourselves becoming. We can easily see ourselves as a different person, but when it comes to taking steps to become that person, we find ourselves asking questions like, will I still be loved if I lose 30 pounds? Am I good enough to have client meetings and secure the deal? What happens if I fail? We are naturally risk-averse. Our fears keep us that way.

The first thing we need to do is be able to recognize when the fear monster is attacking. We need to be more aware. We also need to be aware of how that fear monster is tying itself to other false beliefs we may have about ourselves, such as the ones described above. If we can’t recognize them when they happen, then we are doomed to self-sabotage forever, never becoming the person we see inside of us, never living our authentic self.

The fear monster doesn’t always come from inside. Sometimes it rears its head in others, using another tactic to keep us where we are. When someone says, you can’t open a business. You won’t have insurance (as my father has said). That is fear showing up in someone else to provide doubt in your own mind. You can come up with the logical answer of getting your own insurance, but it’s too late, the seed is planted, and fear creeps in and whispers in your ear that you won’t make enough money from the business to afford insurance or anything else you want. It creates doubt, so while you’re not willing to give up the dream of owning a business, you find one more thing to learn, one more piece of research that needs to be done, one more item for your to-do list, anything that can stop you from ever really getting pushing past it and fulfilling your dream.

So, the question remains, how do you overcome the fear monster? Can you fight the fear monster off long enough to achieve your goal? I don’t think the answer isn’t overcoming it or fighting it. It’s embracing it, letting it have its say and then doing it anyway. This is the way that fear loses its power over us.

If fear won every time, we wouldn’t have electricity, cell phones, or the internet. Actors wouldn’t get on stage and perform. Athletes would cower in front of their much larger opponent. Think they don’t feel some form of the fear monster creating doubt? Yep, they have their own monsters, just like we do. They had to embrace their fears to push forward and become the person they wanted to become. Each time we embrace fear, let it have its say, understand it, and then tell it to jump in a lake, we become stronger, our confidence wins out. WE win out.

It’s not easy and often requires professional help to get started or to understand it. I have recently developed an understanding that my fears are an extenuating circumstance of certain triggers, such as being worthy and deserving of something better. Now that I have finally discovered the truth with the help of some professional help in my past, I am ready to start holding fear's hand and not let it keep me down. It still rears its ugly head regularly, and I am starting to see the impact it is having on my business dreams and my personal ones. Because I can finally see it, I can make different choices, and I know that if I ever need that professional help again, it’s always just a phone call away.

The moral of the story? Become acquaintances with fear. Don’t let it become too friendly. Otherwise, you will become paralyzed with analyzing it (what the professionals call analysis paralysis). Let it have its say, listen to it, then kindly step aside and push forward. It won’t leave, but it will shrink a little and then a little more. It will likely never go away entirely, but if we push past it, it doesn’t have to cause us to self-sabotage and keep ourselves stuck where we are either.